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03 November 2011 @ 11:05 am
the borderlands  
there's a place, you know. this place, right on the edge. neither light, nor dark. you can see through the pitch black and know what's waiting for you, but you aren't scared. never scared anymore. nothing to fear. and on the other side, everything else. everything you dreamed of. everything perfect and glowing and serene. but you can't choose. you're walking the rim of the moon, and she refuses to choose.

jerkface confuses me. not jerkface, him, but the word. it loses me. but so much does. I'm walking this line and asking: what will you choose, little girl? but we both know the answer. you turn around and step backwards into the - what if you keep walking the line. eventually the earth rotates and you cannot run at the speed of one thousand and sixty kilometres per hour, can you?

I feel that I should make the last hole myself - seventeen is a good number. wholesome. wholly. I'm starting to feel cold in the morning, coffee-starved and blank-eyed, but I'm sure I can hold on. it's an art I'm well-practiced at.

my sister wrote to me, and my smile was real.
soul feels:: cold
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katy.aletheianink on November 3rd, 2011 10:55 pm (UTC)
I'm fine, really. it's just ... there's two sides, you know? the healthy, happy, I have everything in my life that's awesome, and that desire to go back to the old ways ...
Lauvitaetfiducia on November 3rd, 2011 11:58 am (UTC)
food = exams babe =)
We need to eat, if you were here I'd be sitting down w/ sustagen/milo with you - just do it with me in spirit
katy.aletheianink on November 3rd, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
I know ... but I'm ... being ... strict. I have to. it's replacement cutting. and ironically, because I'm vegan for a month, and restricting, I'm actually eating a little healthier.

the thing is, there's nothing *wrong* - I don't really understand why I feel like this, because everything's great and I'm not depressed and there's nothing bad. I just ... it makes things better. when I can look in the mirror and go "hey, gosh, I like that image now", then it'll be okay. and I just get to the point of doing it quickly, not healthily. and it's a personal challenge and sense of achievement - results I can see every day when I look at the number of calories, and go "I made it! less than I intended, too!"

I actually wrote an entry on my tumblr about you saying almost exactly that - the food = exams :P I'm getting nutrients, I am! better than chocolate!
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katy.aletheianink on November 3rd, 2011 11:00 pm (UTC)
I love you!

the thing is, everything's great and okay and super right now. I just ... ick. you're tall and perfect and don't have a horrible body like me. and when my body is nice, it'll be okay. and I don't mean emaciated, ribs protruding, stick legs ... I just mean ... well, you know. in between.

thank you xx
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