katy. (aletheianink) wrote,
katy.
aletheianink

Drowning. Drowning. The water gets heavier, it seems, pulling me down from the inside. It hurts and seeps and it won't be long before it leaks out of the cracks.

I don't know what's real inside me anymore. I keep being told I'm wrong, and wrong, and wrong, and I just can't understand.

Nothing I do will be ever be enough. I want to bleed out. I want to survive and show how much stronger I am. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Blood and blood and blood is all I know. Why am I so horrible and disfigured? If not in body then soul. That's why I hate myself - because I see what only those who have loved me see - a stygian black pit. I am nothing. Worthless. What I give means nothing. I am never enough. I wanted to be more, but I wasn't. Am not.

I have a work Christmas cruise tomorrow. Then razorblades and alcohol and sweet little deaths while I am still alive. I don't want to die. I just need to carve out the pain.

Nobody sees when I try. When I do things right. They just see every fuck up. And I see that. And I hate myself.
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