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22 December 2011 @ 12:18 am
Drowning. Drowning. The water gets heavier, it seems, pulling me down from the inside. It hurts and seeps and it won't be long before it leaks out of the cracks.

I don't know what's real inside me anymore. I keep being told I'm wrong, and wrong, and wrong, and I just can't understand.

Nothing I do will be ever be enough. I want to bleed out. I want to survive and show how much stronger I am. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Blood and blood and blood is all I know. Why am I so horrible and disfigured? If not in body then soul. That's why I hate myself - because I see what only those who have loved me see - a stygian black pit. I am nothing. Worthless. What I give means nothing. I am never enough. I wanted to be more, but I wasn't. Am not.

I have a work Christmas cruise tomorrow. Then razorblades and alcohol and sweet little deaths while I am still alive. I don't want to die. I just need to carve out the pain.

Nobody sees when I try. When I do things right. They just see every fuck up. And I see that. And I hate myself.
Lauvitaetfiducia on December 21st, 2011 01:45 pm (UTC)
People see when you try. You'll be ok - exactly the same ok whether you cut or not. Save the skin space babe xxx
katy.aletheianink on December 21st, 2011 02:41 pm (UTC)
They don't Lau, they don't. Not the people I want to be with forever - because everything about me is too repulsive for them, and there's nothing good and I'm just useless and horrible and selfish. I have this. I hate this. I don't have anything to cut with, it just hurts.
withtwobarefeet on December 21st, 2011 03:35 pm (UTC)
:( i get what you mean.. but others still notice when you try and succeed brilliantly! i know it's not the same.. but hopefully it still means something. much love ♥ xx
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katy.aletheianink on December 21st, 2011 11:12 pm (UTC)
you're perfect, my love. too perfect. I love you. I haven't the words right now, but I love you xx
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