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22 December 2011 @ 12:18 am
 
Drowning. Drowning. The water gets heavier, it seems, pulling me down from the inside. It hurts and seeps and it won't be long before it leaks out of the cracks.

I don't know what's real inside me anymore. I keep being told I'm wrong, and wrong, and wrong, and I just can't understand.

Nothing I do will be ever be enough. I want to bleed out. I want to survive and show how much stronger I am. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Blood and blood and blood is all I know. Why am I so horrible and disfigured? If not in body then soul. That's why I hate myself - because I see what only those who have loved me see - a stygian black pit. I am nothing. Worthless. What I give means nothing. I am never enough. I wanted to be more, but I wasn't. Am not.

I have a work Christmas cruise tomorrow. Then razorblades and alcohol and sweet little deaths while I am still alive. I don't want to die. I just need to carve out the pain.

Nobody sees when I try. When I do things right. They just see every fuck up. And I see that. And I hate myself.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
katy.aletheianink on December 21st, 2011 11:12 pm (UTC)
you're perfect, my love. too perfect. I love you. I haven't the words right now, but I love you xx